On June 6th, 2019, I was officially diagnosed with Panic Mood Disorder. When the words left the doctor’s mouth, I was initially so confused. What in the world is panic mood disorder??? The word panic in itself made me think I was some type of crazy person.

Panic Mood Disorder is a mood disorder that affects my ability to handle stress and anxiety. Panic mood disorder is often associated with elevated levels of generalized anxiety, bouts of depression, attention deficit, and high social phobia. These conditions in tandem further bring along poor sleep, bruxism (grinding teeth), mood swings, inability to relax, and a general sense of pervasive unhappiness. It has been with me since childhood and as I got older and the rigors of life became more demanding, it started taking a bigger toll on my quality of life.

Doc claimed that most intellectual people are able to cope with panic mood disorder by utilizing logic and reason during times of duress to accomplish whatever task is at hand. In order to meet obligations and deadlines for school, work, involvement, and social relationships, this disorder is frequently brushed to the side. What I did not know is that leaving this sickness unattended is when it becomes the most dangerous. Unattended, it grows in the dark crevices of the mind without supervision. And when something triggers its eventual release to the surface, an endless amount of potential energy is unleashed and all hell breaks loose. For me, it manifested itself in a debilitating panic attack that left me hospitalized overnight at the Shands emergency room.

I still remember that day so clearly. Due to purely psychological reasons, my body started to give out on me. The most vivid pain was from the fact that I couldn’t breathe. My breaths were shallow and frequent. My lungs felt restricted and my vision started to get hazy. That weird thing happened to my eyes where blurry greenish/white lights appeared that disrupted my ability to focus. My heart was pounding. The beats were loud and frantic. With each passing second it felt as if it was going to burst out of my chest. It felt like the room was frozen, then it would shrink and close in on me. I was slipping in and out of consciousness and I was genuinely afraid. I started thinking horrible thoughts and even asked myself “Am I dying?“ If you know me, I never want to go to the doctor. When I’m sick I want to handle it on my own without medication and just soldier through it. This was different. This was a sensation I had never felt before. I felt miserable.

I drove myself to the emergency room. They took my heart rate and blood pressure. My blood pressure was 142/95. I kept thinking to myself about the normal rates that I had learned in my classes…that just seemed too high. They admitted me into a psychiatric ward of the hospital where I was sedated and put on anti-anxiety medication. That’s when I really felt like I was some crazy motherfucker. My bed was in the corner of the room right next to this lady who was Baker Acted. She kept mumbling under her breath about her rights being taken away and several nurses, doctors, and security guards had to come calm her down. There was too much commotion. I kept thinking in my head that I was just as crazy as this woman next to me and I despised it. After all, they put me in the same room as her so they must have seen some commonalties between us two. I wanted her to disappear.

Several doctors saw me and we talked about what happened. They tried to offer their advice but it fell on deaf ears. I did not want the sympathy or superficial advice from these doctors who knew nothing about me. They were just telling me all the generic things that everyone already knows. “Oh you know this happens to students all of the time,” “Just try to relax and think positive thoughts,” “Everything is going to be okay.” I did not want to hear some bullshit counseling that they learned from a textbook. When they finally discharged me I was thrilled to just get out of there.

The medication that they put me on turned me into a zombie. Yes, I am talking about some Walking Dead, I Am Legend, Train to Busan shit. My heart rate and blood pressure returned back to normal, but my emotions went with them. My first encounter with mood altering medication just occurred and I absolutely hated it. Yes, feeling better was a priority, but at what cost? Do all medications make you feel like a hollow shell of yourself? I was instructed to have a follow up appointment with my primary care physician back in Jacksonville a week after getting discharged. During the appointment he asked me if I wanted to be prescribed anti-depression/anxiety medication. I vehemently rejected his offer and stated that I could overcome this through natural means. Whatever it took, I was not going to show weakness and dependency on a drug to help me get to where I wanted to be. That felt like cheating and I was never one to shy from working hard for my goals.

Unbeknownst to myself, I was fueling my own disorder. Ever since that incident last year in the hospital, I thought that keeping myself occupied 24/7 was the solution to my problem. I was going to throw myself into school, rekindle past relationships, commit to my body, clean up my diet, create and choreograph again, discover new music, and plan small trips to get away from Gainesville. Basically just get my shit together. I thought to myself, “If I am productive and trying to get better at something everyday, then my mind will shortly follow and I will feel better about myself.” I was downloading apps like Headspace to meditate everyday and even went to yoga classes with my mom. I was on a mission to remove every negative circumstance around me to give myself an optimum environment to be healthy again. This works for some people, but it made everything worse for me. By setting so many unrealistic goals for myself, it made me unprepared for the bad times yet to come.

Everything was going so great. I was in the best freaking shape of my life, I figured out how to balance school obligations, and my relationships with people were looking up. But for some reason, I felt a dark cloud hanging over me. Why…why…WHY?? I DID EVERYTHING. I tried everything. I left no stone unturned. I read guides, pamphlets, went to forums, watched inspirational videos, talked to so many people….why was I still so unhappy? There was nothing wrong in my life. Most people look from afar and they think I have everything. I have had a stable, fulfilling life. I have an awesome opportunity to be a dentist, was well respected in the community, had a beautiful girlfriend and plenty of friends, but something was off. I felt like I was loved by so many but I felt broken inside. Where was my own self-love and appreciation?

My mistake was that I tried so hard to be the perfect person. My self worth came from my accomplishments and feats. I thought that being the “guy” was going to solve all my problems. This guy is able to have everything in his life in check and also be there for others. I wanted to be the man who could manage everything perfectly and still be so fun to be around. That was unrealistic. When the rigors of school, family, and relationships took a turn for the worst, my defect reared its head again. I was desperately trying to keep everything together. I was failing school and became such a negative person to be around. It was hard for people to be around me and I do not blame them one bit. I was so unhappy with myself and resentful about my situation. I could not cope with all the bad things happening around me and it made me isolate myself. I wanted to handle my inner demons alone. I pushed everyone who cared about me away because I was just spreading more negativity. I did not want to confront the larger issue at hand. Even when I was offered to go to counseling services, I refused. I was too stubborn to get help. My ego got in the way. I wanted to handle everything on my own and truly believed that I could do it by myself. No one understood me. No one could help me overcome this. I kept pushing through as hard as I could. I put my head down and my blue collar work ethic came into play. Even though I was hurting, I needed to get through the semester.

At a certain point I knew that I did not want people to deal with my emotional baggage anymore. I made so many mistakes. I was tired and felt that people around me were getting tired too. I felt like I was a ticking time bomb at parties and at any point I could have an emotional outburst. People do not deserve that. I started purposely spending more time by myself because I wanted to figure it out. There were a lot of days I woke up alone, isolated myself at school, went to the gym alone, ate food alone, and went to sleep alone. This happened for consecutive days at a time and I thought I was doing a service to all the people around me. My presence is toxic. I am a toxic person because I am incapable of spreading joy and happiness anymore. My head is so cluttered that I will only contribute negativity to a conversation. Just put a caution sign on my scrubs and steer clear from me. I felt so sorry all the time. Sorry for people who had to deal with me and sorry for myself. The man who portrays himself as overconfident and nonchalant is actually someone so broken inside.

You know you have some real ass friends when you do all you can to be alone, but they stick by you. No matter how many times I felt like I mistreated, flaked, or put them in uncomfortable situations, they stayed. They cared about how I felt and wanted to do everything they could to help me be better. I know it took a toll on them, but they stayed. I will eternally be grateful. After some enlightening conversations with old and new friends, I decided to finally take a leap of faith and get help.

Initially, I thought that I had lost the battle with mental health when I succumbed to the conclusion that I needed consultation from a medical professional. I really did not want to take medication for my mood ever again. What if I became dependent? Was it actually going to work? Do I have to take it for the rest of my life? What if it makes things worse? These questions ran through my head every day prior to our appointment and it freaked me out.

Now, that brings us to today. I am in a much better place now. After consulting with a truly amazing doctor in Jacksonville, we came up with the appropriate treatment plan to target my disorder. I no longer suffer from heightened levels of stress and anxiety. My panic attacks are no longer a thing. I am able to socialize without fear of judgment. I find myself dancing and singing spontaneously throughout the day and I have noticed that I am making people around me laugh again. My sleep patterns have improved dramatically and I feel at ease. I feel like I am a normal person.

It is incredible how my quality of life has improved since I decided to get help. This has been an ongoing issue for a majority of my life and I finally feel like things are coming to a conclusion. Well, at least the first part of it is. I feel like I am going to need some time to heal and get acclimated to this new discovery. But, I can’t help but smile thinking of the exciting times ahead. Life is so fun for me right now.

Just to sum everything up for my millions of readers (lol)…here is a little list of things that I figured out on my journey. Some of these may work for you and some of these won’t. Everyone suffers from different types of mental disorders so following a cookie cutter plan for everyone is not realistic. However, I hope that if anything you read here helps you get to where you want to be, my job is done.

1. You are not alone in your battle. You are beloved by so many who will listen to your pain. Do not be afraid to share it because it makes you feel vulnerable. People want to listen, just give them the time.
2. You are not weak. Sharing how you feel and admitting you need help shows your character. Seek help from a professional if you feel like you need it. There is absolutely no shame in doing so. You will be surprised at the things they may say to you.
3. Write. Write. Write. Record how you are feeling when you are feeling high and when you are feeling low. Understanding yourself is key to bring about change.
4. Use social media the right way. “This generation is obsessed with looking successful instead of actually being successful.” Social media can be really toxic. It portrays your life in the way that you want it to be portrayed. It is not real life. Use it to share momentous events with your friends, not for likes and shares.
5. Find a balance. I often compare mental health to physical health. For example, there are some limitations to exercises you can do if you hurt your back. However, that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to do back exercises. You can find variations to the exercise and slowly work your way to getting back to where you were. Just like in this scenario, don’t shy away from situations that you think will make you feel negative or trigger your mental health. Do not let it be your crutch in life. It is still important to learn how to work through unfavorable situations because they exist in life. Nobody can avoid negative situations, but we can change how we approach and handle them.
6. Know your self worth. YOU ARE ENOUGH. I cannot stress this point enough. Own your pros and cons. Everyone has them. You do not need validation from others to increase your self worth. That is not the right way to love yourself. Love yourself by doing the things you love with the people you love. Life is so beautiful, don’t spend it by being afraid of judgment and criticism. You’ll find yourself surrounded by people who only love the person you portray instead of who you really are if you don’t learn this soon.
7. Forgive yourself. Everything that has happened to get to this point happened for a reason. You have to keep living your life and keep moving forward. Let go of your past mistakes and any regret you may have. It will only hinder you from progressing. Learn from your mistakes and strive to be a better person. Forgiveness starts with yourself before others can forgive you. You are not a bad person.
8. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness. I have come to realize that everyone manages their problems in different ways. Be open minded and receptive to how others deal with these issues. You may learn a a thing or two about yourself in the process.
9. Don’t give up. It sounds really cliche but it’s true. Better times are ahead. Embrace the journey. It is not going to be a smooth one. You are going to succeed, fail, succeed, then fail some more. You may make progress one day but lose all of it the next day. That’s okay. Just remind yourself how far you have come from day 1. I promise you that it will be some sort of improvement. Small W’s.
   
   Thanks for coming to my TED talk everyone.
   – Woo 😉